Dadlopnik

"functionoverfashion" (functionoverfashion) 08/04/2018 at 21:56 • Filed to: None

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Oh my where to begin. How about this: my kids are wonderful and I love them very much. Phew! Now that that’s established, let’s move on to today: this is the first whole day of our actual summer vacation. My wife and I haven’t taken a week off since the week between Christmas and New Year’s and that almost doesn’t count because at my job, it was mandatory.

So to kick things off, we went to a wedding last night about two hours away. We got home at 11:00 (I know, this isn’t “late” but... it kind of is) and thus weren’t the best-rested parents on the planet this morning. But like sharks smelling blood in the water, I feel like kids feed off any slight hint of parental discomfort and come swarming in with whining, hitting each other, arguing with each other (and us) and generally being poorly behaved. That’s not to say ALL day, but man, it seemed like just when the kids were playing nicely and we let our guard down, one kid would flatten the other for no reason and at least one would then be crying for the next 20 minutes.

We were going to move over to my wife’s family lake house for the week, but that’s been postponed because we weren’t able to get ready today, largely because the kids demanded 90% of both of our attention, all day. We did some fun things and did a few necessary chores, but it was challenging to say the least.

Bedtime was the real cherry on top. There was a point at their alleged bedtime that both kids and my wife were all crying simultaneously. It’s times like this that I just go into maximum patience mode, and refuse to raise my voice for any reason whatsoever; I am supremely calm and patient with the kids, but I’m also firm with my rules and just stick to the established routine. It is the same frame of mind I use in TSA lines, and at international customs. “It doesn’t matter how much this sucks, showing how I really feel at this moment will only make things worse.”

Eventually my wife ended up laying in bed with our son and our daughter was standing in the middle of her room refusing to do literally anything. It’s great that she’s strong-willed, but kid, you gotta go to sleep. So I picked her up and went for a spin in the wagon with her in her car seat. “Daddy where we goin?” - “I’m going to drive around until you fall asleep. Want some music?” - “Okay. Yes, please.” And she was asleep in 5 minutes.

Now I’m drinking some delicious rye whisky on the couch and watching stupid youtube videos. Not how I envisioned my first day of “vacation” but oh well. The house we’re going to has a fantastic 1800's style to it, and a huge wraparound porch with a western view. Cigars and bourbon will be had. Or possibly gin and tonic.

It’s a good thing I love those kids.

I’m hoping tomorrow is more like this:

Spaceball-Two > functionoverfashion 08/04/2018 at 22:05

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I’m right there with you man. Got food poisoning yesterday. 3 year old doesn’t care and he’s been pushing buttons all day. Wife (currently prego with number two) is having a rough go. Constant nausea which then brings out the bitchiness. I’m waiting patiently with a fake smile on my face until everyone goes to bed and I can drink scotch and play Nintendo. Cheers!

Ash78, voting early and often > functionoverfashion 08/04/2018 at 22:07

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Sometimes I think kids’ whole jobs is to dr ive wedges between you and your wife, your job, your chores, your hobbies....but then in retrospect, it’s to keep you from holding onto any one of those things too tightly.

vicali > functionoverfashion 08/04/2018 at 22:09

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Haha- it all fun and games until we’re late for a ferry- then I’ve got zero cool and it all goes out the window.. ‘K ids get in the truck, if you don’t have your toys in your hands, consider them gone!’

BaconSandwich is tasty. > functionoverfashion 08/04/2018 at 22:18

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I feel your pain. Current dad of a 3.75 year old, a 1.75 year old, and one more on the way. Except I need to be more patient.

11:00 pm is late. Normally we are all asleep or close to it at 10:00 pm. Miss 3.75 year old is a night owl, and takes longer to go to sleep. Miss 1.75 year old is a morning bird. This morning she was up at 5:15 am.

I’m glad I'm not the only one who doesn't have a perfect family - if such a thing even exists. My wife often reminds me that the kids are young. They've learned a lot in their time, but there's still some things they haven't mastered yet - like controlling emotions.

functionoverfashion > Ash78, voting early and often 08/04/2018 at 22:21

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That’s well said, perhaps in reverse order of priority - I’ll explain.

I do think my kids drive a wedge between me and my hobbies, forcing me to choose but a few that are the most likely to also be enjoyed by my kids (e.g. biking, boating, skiing, hiking; things that can both include the family and be lifetime hobbies). I’m good with that . I’m slightly annoyed that they keep me from chores, but I’ll find the time because I have to. And I will always love my wife, but damn. It sucks not being able to really give her the attention I want to, and I know she feels the same way. I do wish we could somehow get more time together because we do try, and it’s just about impossible. We’re going to Iceland (just us) in September, so that’s something.

So yeah, well said.

Every single parent I have ever talked to about parenting says “this is the best time” when the kids are little... and yes, it really is, they are amazing. It’s also the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life by a long shot. Not just being a parent, but also attempting to maintain friends and a wife and hobbies and find time to do the chores in between. 

functionoverfashion > Spaceball-Two 08/04/2018 at 22:23

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Cheers indeed. Good luck with #2! I felt like everything was easier the second time around. Also harder, because you have another kid around, but the stuff we worried about with the first, just wasn’t a big deal with the second.

Hope you feel better (and your wife)!

functionoverfashion > BaconSandwich is tasty. 08/04/2018 at 22:29

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I’m a psychology major so I do have some ideas about what kids are capable of, emotionally... but you still expect more when they start speaking in full sentences and having conversations with you; then you remember that they can lose their shit over a piece of toast having the wrong amount of toasted-ness or something like that.

I’m not usually in bed much before 11 but I’m also not usually full of caffeine at that time, which I was lastnight because 2 hour drive. My daughter was up most of the hour between 4 and 5, but then slept till 7:30. She is the night owl, he’s out like a damn light no later tha n 7:30 most nights, but then up between 6 and 7 every day.

One other thing I’ve learned, at least with our kids, is that routine is key. They are awesome when they are in a routine. Summer is hard because we stay up late (for them) some nights just because we’ll be at a beach or something and it’s 85 degrees, sunny, and 8:00pm. It wreaks havoc on us when we try to get them to bed normally like tonight.

Good luck with #3, it’s an adventure that’s for sure! It’s all worth it..... 

Spaceball-Two > functionoverfashion 08/04/2018 at 22:33

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Thank you sir

Deal Killer - Powered by Focus > functionoverfashion 08/04/2018 at 22:45

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Enjoy them while they’re small, and can be picked up and moved, if need be. My son is 15 and 6'3", my daughter is 18 and heading off to college in two weeks. Time flies, it seems only a short while ago I could put either of them on my shoulders so they could feel “really tall, like daddy”. Have another whiskey while they’re still sleeping.

jimz > functionoverfashion 08/04/2018 at 22:46

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just wait until they’re teenagers. they’ll destroy every vacation and every bit of harmony and sanity you hope for. Teenagers are why I don’t and won’t have kids.

Ash78, voting early and often > functionoverfashion 08/04/2018 at 22:47

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Excellent, enjoy Iceland! I spent 10 days there back in college, staying with friends and doing most of the tourist stuff. Thankfully flights there are cheap and short, because everything else is insanely expensive (like it makes London or Switzerland seem like third-world pricing). But worth the trip!

Under_Score > functionoverfashion 08/04/2018 at 22:52

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“First whole day of our actual summer vacation.”

Public school started on Wednesday for my county and the surrounding ones. Too late for that!

WRXasaurus > functionoverfashion 08/04/2018 at 23:05

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I completely understand. I have a 2.5 year old boy. He is awful at night. He is actually better when he has played hard all day. He usually takes 45 minutes to 1.5 hours to go to sleep. It hasn't gotten any better either. Our 4 month old girl sleeps better then him. It's just so frustrating because now he is starting to talk but refuses to listen.

TheRealBicycleBuck > functionoverfashion 08/04/2018 at 23:54

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It is. Enjoy it. They get a lot more interesting as their intellect develops, but then they want to be alone to “do their own thing” and you don’t get to spend as much time with them. Next thing you know, college is just around the corner. I’m working hard to find common interests so that I can keep them engaged.

RPM esq. > functionoverfashion 08/05/2018 at 00:14

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My family vacation place is threatened by wildfire so I pushed my vacation by a week (aided by work obligations that would have ruined my vacation anyway but afforded me the opportunity to fly over the fires and confirm the house hasn’t burned down ) and then gave up completely on the trip... so I’m staycationing alone this week . That’s alright, the weather is great and I’m planning to follow daily dog hikes with some nice dinners , maybe see some friends in town I don’t see enough and have some drinks around the firepit in the back yard that is usually commandeered by teenagers these days.

HammerheadFistpunch > functionoverfashion 08/05/2018 at 11:05

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i know exactly what you mean...exactly. that was our Friday , W eve been at the lake now 2 nights, well be here until ne xt friday. nearly lost it friday with these kids...but had a great day with them yesterday and looking forward to a looong overdue week off.

merged-5876237249235911857-hrw8uc > BaconSandwich is tasty. 08/05/2018 at 11:13

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Oh my, our guys can’t be up past 8p or it turns into a gremlins movie. 3 boys 5 and under and just added baby girl a couple days ago... good thing the Lord makes them cute.

merged-5876237249235911857-hrw8uc > functionoverfashion 08/05/2018 at 11:19

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Kids are awesome! We just added to our family of 5 with a baby girl this past week. 3 boys, 5 and under and now baby girl. It’s been an adjustment, but damn is she a cutie.

I always think of the top gear where Jeremy and the boys are reviewing the Maserati, Porsche and the Aston Martin sedans. They get to the end and Jeremy equates the Maserati to a toddler. Where they drive you completely nuts, but if someone tried to take them away, you’d kill them.

It’s so much fun, and they can be so sweet, but it’s also a lot of work and effort. But worth all of it.

Hope today is a good vacation day.  

random001 > functionoverfashion 08/05/2018 at 16:38

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I really really want to be more patient. I rarely blow up at the kids, but man, do i feel myself getting angry at time. like, really angry, and it makes me more angry that i’m angry, and just spirals...

How do you do it?

functionoverfashion > HammerheadFistpunch 08/12/2018 at 21:47

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haha, just reading this now, a week later plus some. we were at the lake this week too! Full circle, I guess, it was a good week and I’m having a little rye whisky to top off the week before facing work tomorrow morning.... 

functionoverfashion > random001 08/12/2018 at 21:53

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Sorry for the super-delayed response. I know how you feel, and I can get the same way. It’s something I struggle with, for sure. But I can definitely feel it coming, and I just have to take a step away. Sometimes the kids will actually follow me, which is maddening in itself, but now they’re old enough that if they’re, for example, refusing to get ready for school, I’ll just say in the calmest voice I can conjure, “I’m going to wait in the car.” And the time I spend just sitting outside in the car (probably less than a full minute, even) is enough to get me back to reality, maybe a few deep breaths, too. It’s hard, man, I won’t lie, but now I find when the kids are winding up and doing something that would have made me angry before, I just sit down on the floor and look at them with my full attention - but I don’t say anything unless they engage me. Then I respond as quietly and calmly as possible, and if that doesn’t work (it often does) I’ll walk away for a minute and say something like “ok when you are ready to talk to me reasonably you let me know.”

And the best part is, when I don’t allow myself to get wound up, I feel better after, even if the outcome for the kids is the same. To some extent, it’s never the same because they will do what you do. If you get upset and yell, they’ll do the same. If you react calmly, they might not do it right away, but they’ll start to see that it’s effective and they’ll want to try it. 

HammerheadFistpunch > functionoverfashion 08/12/2018 at 22:02

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It’s nights like tonight I wish I drank. Boo to going back to work.

random001 > functionoverfashion 08/13/2018 at 06:30

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This is good advice that I very much appreciate .  Mine are really young right now, 3.5 and nearly 2, so maybe I just need to push through.  They’re at that age where I can’t just walk away and leave them to their own devices, because that just ends in tears, but perhaps sitting down and waiting it out for a minute can help.

functionoverfashion > random001 08/13/2018 at 08:41

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I am happy to help. W hen our kids were 1 & 3 through 2 &4, it was pretty challenging. I guess now, walking away can mean actually walking outside; at the age of your kids, it could be just going to the next room for literally 10 seconds to close your eyes and take some deep breaths. It sounds so cliche to “take some deep breaths” but there is truth in the cliche.

For us, routine is a huge help. The kids get into it and they know what’s supposed to be happening. Then, if it’s not happening and one of them is upset about... anything, really... I can walk away for a few seconds, then come back and say calmly, “ok so I understand that your stuffed animal is behind the couch right now, but what are we supposed to be doing? Right. So... let’s work on that, and then I can help you with that.”

I also kept saying to myself, “everything’s a phase,” because each kid will go through periods of time where they are doing something or other we don’t like. Then one day they stop doing it. Keep your head up!

functionoverfashion > HammerheadFistpunch 08/13/2018 at 08:44

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Ha! It’s nights like last night I wish I didn’t drink, because I probably would have felt better yesterday after a week of excess. I’m thinking a week off would be a good idea, to reset things a bit.